The Golden Compass

Last night, I got back from the gym and I went to put on a DVD and found this already in it, the last time I saw this film was at the cinema and I remember a real sense of disappointment, however I decided to give it another go. Growing up His Dark Materials trilogy were probably my favourite books. I read these books when I was about 13-14 and when I began to renounce my own faith, and the critique on religion within these books influenced me, I’m sure. Even though I was an avid fan of Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings, these were the books that remained with me the most. I was therefore very keen that the films would be a success.

At the time of their release however there was a fair amount of controversy from religions, particularly the Catholic Church, with the books being branded evil. Catholicism always does seem to lash out in ignorance and it really does itself no favours, recent events demonstrate this acutely when we consider Joseph Ratzinger’s complete idiocy in invoking Godwin’s law regarding the rise of secularism in the UK. In comparison, if we look at the leader of the Anglican Church, Dr Rowan Williams, we see a reasonable and highly intelligent man, always willing to engage in dialogue about the faults of religion as well as the joy it can bring to many people, and I enjoyed a discussion he had with Phillip Pullman on Start the Week on Radio 4 earlier this year. Perhaps the Catholic Church naturally runs to the defence of any fictional organization that does unspeakable things to children behind closed doors, that is of course their prerogative, but it is a shame that such idiocy is allowed to permeate a creative endeavour such as making a film. As Pullman said “Why don’t we trust filmgoers? Oh it makes me shake my head in sorrow that such nitwits are let loose in this world”. Undoubtedly all of this created a bad buzz around release time and any bad buzz around a family film can have a devastating effect at the box office.

Well what about the film itself you ask? Well the film is about Lyra Belacqua (played by Dakota Blue Richards), growing up in the fictional Jordan College of Oxford, left there by her uncle Lord Asriel (Daniel Craig). One day Asriel comes to visit and after saving his life she wishes to follow him to the north and investigate dust with him. Meanwhile the local children are disappearing, rumoured to be taken by the Gobblers. While at Jordan College, she is visited by the alluring Mrs Coulter (Nicole Kidman) who captures her imagination by promising to take her to the north, Lyra’s best friend Roger however has disappeared, and after a while in Coulters care Lyra makes an alarming discover and decides to run away and find Roger herself, befriending witches, gyptians and armoured bears on her way.

Dakota Blue Richards gives a strong debut performance

Well lets start with the good, because there isn’t much good about this film. Dakota Blue Richards is very good in this film. She is a real find for the producers and is convincing as Lyra in this film, she equips herself very well and I was impressed. Nicole Kidman, for once is also quite good, admittedly as a sort of ice queen character to doesn’t have to do much beyond remaining quite cold and wooden, but she performs a good job, nothing you can fault her with that’s for sure, and Daniel Craig helps add some weight to the film as do established actors such as Kathy Bates and Ian McKellen voicing various creatures throughout the film. A particular highlight for me was Derek Jacobi playing the role of the Magesterium’s emissary with a brilliant slimy quality, reminiscent of Brad Douriff as Wormtail in Lord of the Rings. What else can we say? The sets looked quite nice? They looked like they had a fair amount of money thrown at them anyway, but I have literally nothing else good to say about this film.

It was hugely disappointing. As far as specifics were concerned there was no cohesion to the narrative, it was just a bunch of wonderful things happening to this little girl during her magical adventure, there was no real threat, nor was there any sense of real explanation. Why can Coulter take her away? She just can, why do the gyptians follow her? They just made it their business, why does Scoresby help her? Guess he just felt like it. It’s just a load of stuff that happens, and its not tied together efficiently enough by the director, we needed a bit more of the basil exposition rather than just seeing it speed along. The issue of the Witches shows this perfectly, in a rather random moment the Witch Queen just turns up and takes an interest in our main protagonist, to the extent that her and her kin risk their lives towards the end of the film, why? Oh I guess we won’t bother explaining that, we just get some ham-fisted explanation about a prophecy at the end instead. The dialogue was poor throughout too, it felt forced and not worked through, this is not how people talk, you can write it but you can’t say it like that, and this was most keenly felt during the clumsy, cumbersome voiceover at the start of the film.

Poor special effects dog this film throughout 

The CGI was also a real problem. This film was post Lord of the Rings, but they made a nazgul seem fairly realistic, and in this film they couldn’t even do dogs and cats correctly, never mind the irritating Freddy Highmore playing Pantalaimon. The bad CGI was clearly shown up in the fight between the two bears. These giant bears that probably weight a few tonnes between them were fighting to the death, and there was just no weight at all to the fight. Their environment was completely unaffected by giant bears covered in armour being thrown across it and it just felt completely anticlimactic. In fact the entire film was anticlimactic, ending at least half an hour too early and missing the ending of the book, which really raised the stakes and increased the readers emotional investment in the story through a certain sad event. By missing this out it just left fans of the book feeling empty, and giving viewers little reason to get excited about the sequels.

Despite this if the core of the books had been there it could still have been a good film. However the story was in it, but not the heart. The very essence of the books was torn out turning it into just another standard adventure film with nothing behind the eyes, as if its very soul was separated from it. Despite all the talk about dust in the film there is no real revelation regarding it, its just another mystery with no indication at all about its importance, its links with original sin are alluded to with the most subtle of touches, most people would completely miss them, and the role of the Magesterium as a church is completely missing from the film. Perhaps this was done to increase its appeal and appease the religious, but in the end the books without the message are nothing special, and looking at quotes such as saying post production was a “terrible experience”, from the director Chris Weitz it looks like New Line were responsible for this.

Dust is there, but not as you know it

New Line’s handling of this film has been abysmal, and considering that they sold the international rights, which brought in much more than the US box office, it seems their idiocy infected every element of this film. After handling Lord of the Rings so well I had hope for them, but it seems they have made a real pigs ear of His Dark Materials and with the possibility of the Subtle Knife looking more and more remote, the blame surely lies with them. The quote “by being faithful with the book I was working at odds with the studio”, sums it all up. Shame on you, New Line.

Considering what this film could have been, and what it ended up being it is highly disappointing, I give it a 4 out of 10, must try harder.

Run, Fat Boy, Run

Well it was on Film4, what do you want me to say? Its not very good though, nor do I have a lot to say about it just because it is so blah and unexceptional. Directed by David Schwimmer, the loveable nerd Ross from friends who somehow got with Jilted Jen, seriously who actually believed in that story?

The plot is that Dennis (Simon Pegg) was about to get married to Libby (Thandie Newton), but left her pregnant at the alter and ran out on her. Several years down the line, he regrets this and this is exacerbated by her new romantic interest, the strapping Whit, played by Hank Azaria, best know for his voices on The Simpsons. Whit is perfect, and he runs marathons, Dennis has never finished anything in his life, but as an attempt at one-upmanship and in order to win Libby’s respect he decided to run a 26 mile marathon, and the fatboy starts training, going on a journey, where he learns!

They spin, they spin, oh how they spin. Azaria and Pegg

Now the film is acted fairly well, particularly by Hank Azaria, who given the demise of The Simpsons as a TV show I hope to see more on the big screen. I quite like Simon Pegg and have enjoyed him in Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz and even the mixed How to Lose Friends and Alienate People. And I’m somewhat in love with Thandie Newton due to her remarkable resemblance to an ex. All the ingredients to a good bit of silly fun are there, and the story has enough legs to take it to the finishing line, with Simon Pegg, his landlord and best friend being perfectly likeable presences. But its just not funny enough, its not going to age well and will just fade into history like a banal wallflower, which is a shame because it could have been better with a funnier script and a bit more room for improv by Azaria and Pegg, in the end though its just a bit rubbish.

I give it 3 out of 10, nothing worth seeing here

And as far as the laughter tally goes, I chuckled once, and laughed once, and I can’t even remember what at, which I guess gets to the heart of the problem with this film, insufficient laughter. You’d get a better laugh typing “An Idiot Abroad – Travel Diary”, into youtube, trust me.  

Machete Part 2

Machete is great fun. This movie is barely going to set the world on fire, but if you’re looking for good boysey fun, blood, breast and bikes, Machete has it all. In comparison to the highly disappointing Expendables in particular Machete really does stand out as a great action film.

The basic plot is that Danny Trejo used to be a Federal, an elite Mexican cop who was double crossed by the corrupt officials with drug lord Torrez, played by Seagal, murdering his wife. After crossing the Mexican border he is hired by Booth (Fahey) to assassinate the anti Mexican senator McLaughlin (DeNiro). However he is double crossed and left for dead and over the film a conspiracy unfolds reaching all the way to the senator himself and even Torrez as Machete gets his revenge.

Machete clearly fulfils on its action quota, and some of its deaths are actually laugh out loud in their farcicality. In comparison to recent action films such as Iron Man 2, in which I’ve found myself skipping through the fights, Machete had enough about it to keep me engaged throughout. Costing only $20 million it certainly makes its budget go a long way, and with a star-studded cast featuring Alba, Rodriguez, Lohan, DeNiro and co its budget is even more impressive. It is pure exploitation though and people may question the merits of such a genre but the film is to be taken as a bit of fluff and as a sheer genre piece it certainly delivers. However if you’re the type to get offended at a naked girl pulling a phone out of her vagina then you wanna give this a miss.

Apparently this film was first on the agenda in 93 with the release of Desperado, and considering that Rodriguez does a good job of reigning it in and its 97 minute running time is perfect, keeping the narrative tight enough throughout. The film doesn’t have much of a plot, but it’s enough to tie the exploitation bits together into something coherent and that’s all you can expect from such a film. Luckily it doesn’t look like Planet Terror throughout either with the cut up film throughout and the scratchy effects on screen, this really annoyed me in Grindhouse and its good to see it go. Its also full of fantastic one-liners, and wonderfully cheesy dialogue “You just fucked with the wrong Mexican”, would raise a chuckle in anyone.

Despite it being “exploitation”, though, the acting was a bugbear for me. I’m not a fan of Seagal, there is something punchable about his wide gated frame and ridiculous pony tail, and every minute he’s on the screen I do feel slightly irritated. Alba delivers a typically wooden performance. This is nothing compared to Michelle Rodriguez however. She seems to play exactly the same character in everything, whether it be in the Fast and the Furious, or Lost, she plays the “badass chick with a bad attitude”. I actually groaned when I saw her pug faced demeanour materialize at the IMAX when I was watching Avatar, and her scenes when attempting a bit of raillery with Alba are just abject.

Lindsay Lohan however is a bit of a surprise. I think she is a good actress, obviously dogged with personal problems she’s not been in a film for 4 years now. She was very good in Mean Girls and Herbie, and we see flashes of that again in Machete, and for her fans she is naked for extended sequences in this film. I was quite surprised she agreed to play a Junkie for elements of the film and considering her transformation by the conclusion it is a nice comic turn. Anyway when she comes out of Jail with any luck she can get her head together and make a comeback, she is talented and I hope she doesn’t drown. Fahey also plays the character of Booth with a good gruff countenance and equips himself quite well in the role. Danny Trejo is ok as the lead, he certainly looks the part of a battered cop, and grunts lines such as “Machete don’t text”, with aplomb. I found myself wondering at points who was more leathery out of him, Mickey Rourke and Kurt Russell.

In the end the film doesn’t have much depth to it outside of its rather heavy handed immigration message, but its an exploitation thriller, its not supposed to, and as a piece of that genre its great. Rodriguez is much better than Tarantino at this sort of cartoonish fun, seen in the lauded From Dawn Till Dusk or Planet Terror. I highly recommend this and give it;

7 out of 10, (would have got 8 but Michelle Rodriguez is in it)

Download it now!

Manga Breakdown - Naruto Chapter 511 We'll All Come Home

This weeks Naruto was fairly dour, and the majority of it was a little needless. After a character is dead and their part in the story has been fulfilled to all intents and purposes, why do we need a flashback to a rather pointless event in their childhood? It was a nice bit of fan service, but did we learn anything? Not really. Anyway on with the show

Madara has reclaimed his rinnegen we see. Now, last chapter Madara said he gave  Nagato his rinnegen, Madara is a known liar, but its unlikely that he would lie about something like this to someone who was about to die. This, if true then opens up a myriad of questions, and Madara’s further revelation that Nagato was an Uzumaki will inevitably open up discussions as to whether Naruto will awaken the Rinnegen, as well as what Madara intends to do with it himself.

After this we see him disappear with Konan and Nagato’s bodies leaving them in his crazy tetris box world.

The rest of the chapter is a rather tedious account of their times with Jiraiya and the 3 childhood friends looking out for each other as well as a few glances of the earlier incarnations of Akatsuki, which apparently Madara pushed Yahiko into forming, again a few questions over this. Why not wrap up these loose ends rather than giving us pointless Jiraiya fan service? He was a great character but parading him around in a frog service isn’t improving my memories of him Kishi.

This is a fairly fitting panel and afterwards we see their promises and dreams disintegrate much like their childhood homes, and to be fair there is an element of poeticism here. Their innocent hopes and dreams were subverted unfortunately by Madara, the all knowing, all seeing eternal man, more on this point later.

What to make of Tobi’s new mask? Well the first thing that strikes me is its remarkable similarity to the eye of the Rikudo Sage and the Juubi, and as Madara comes to the final stages of his master plan he adopts this, perhaps prophetic symbol as his face to the world. This mask is also interesting as there is no eye hole like in its previous incarnations, what does this mean?

With the arrival of the fruits of Kisame’s sacrifice we also see this approach end game territory.

Now this final panel is interesting, as we see Madara take out the same strange weapon he wielded during his fight against the first Hokage, apparently its a war fan. He has also cast of his Akatsuki robes for an all black ensemble. Yet it is what he says which intrigues me. Itachi said that the nine tails had to be captured last, if it was not sealed in Gedo Mazo last it would unbalance it and cause it to break, this seems to make sense given the strength of its Chakra, so why go after Naruto before they take out Killer Bee? Killer Bee’s role seems to be over after teaching Naruto how to control the Kyuubi anyway, and perhaps that’s what will happen, he may end up sacrificed.

There are also a few points that provide food for thought. 

1)    With Naruto being from this incredible Uzumaki clan, which has the Rinnegen, if there’s a chance of him getting it this seems ridiculous. He’s supposed to be this loveable loser, and although I’ve enjoyed seeing him grow, this is one step too far. Although Madara does allege to have planted the eyes so it may not be a clan issue

2)    This brings me onto my next point, with Madara planning everything and everything going to his brilliant plan isn’t he turning a bit Aizen? And given the pitfalls of Aizen I don’t want Madara to go the same way, the only thing that puts my mind at ease is that Sasuke is in the background as a final fight, but still, his hand in everything that’s happened over the last hundred years or so seems a bit too much

3)    And finally what direction will Naruto take? In my view it can go for the one on one fights approach we saw in the Karakura town arc, or an all out war such as Marineford in One Piece. Personally I’m praying for the latter, and I think it will go that way because the past ninja have been portrayed as huge battles rather than one on one skirmishes, and given how much better Marineford was than the abject awfulness of Karakura town it seems to be a clear choice as to which would be preferable, but lets see what happens.

And I’m out, as you can see from the last pic, no Naruto next week, but there is the long awaited Chapter 598 of One Piece, 5 weeks in the making, can’t wait!

Manga Breakdown - Bleach Chapter 421 Decide 23

Well here goes, my first ever manga breakdown, first things first though, I get all my images from mangastream, so if you wanna read it I recommend going there, its light weight, generally add free and very easy to use.

Anyway now thats out the way here we go;

See what I meant about fantastic art? He may not be much on the narrative, but the man can draw, and this is a perfect example of that, with Ichigo in Getsuga form.

This chapter kicks off with Ichigo using his final technique after we see a flashback to his training, we were informed by Hichigo last chapter that after he uses this technique his Shingami and Hollow techniques which are so intricately linked will leave him.

Hichigo/Zangetsu's last appearance? 

Next we see Aizen being hit my Mugetsu, but immediately he starts regenerating, thanks to the Hogyoku. Seriously, this thing is so boring, it seems like the most powerful object in the manga and I'm just a tad sick of it, hope it gets smashed up after this arc.

As Aizen regenerates thanks to that cheat code stuck in his chest we see the impact of Mugetsu on Ichigo

Admittedly depriving the main character of his powers is a brave move by Kubo, and my interest was peaked for the first time in a couple of months. If Ichigo dies then what? It would go into interesting territory, and Aizen gets ready to finish Ichigo off, as he prepares himself look what happens

We never get to see your bankai?

His sword disappears. This really hacked me off, first we get deprived of Yama's bankai which is really a piss take considering he has the strongest sword in this manga, and now Aizen's disappears too? Considering the power of his shikai giving him an awesome bankai would be ridiculous, but I still wanted to see it! Sounds like another whole this illustrious manga-ka got himself into. But as he moves forward this happens

Really??? REALLLYYYY?!?!?!

Out of nowhere some random Kidou appears, at this point my face was kinda like Aizen's, highly unamused, turns out that Uruhara used some kidou well over a year ago and its now finally taking effect! And he hid it in, another Kidou. This is the most half baked end to a main villain I have ever witnessed, and guess why the Kidou took effect? Because the Hogyoku did not want to recognize Aizen as its master after the heavy beating he took from Mugetsu. Don't you wanna smash it to bits too? One wonders why it bothered regenerating him in the first place.

I play Swords of Revealing Light!

9 years ago I used to watch Yu-Gi-Oh! Before school, seems Kubo did too as the kidou turns out to be none other than swords of revealing light.... Great....

After this oversight however, we approach the subject of the Soul King. For me the Soul King and his royal guard is certainly one of the most intriguing aspects of Bleach, and we hope for some element of clarity here, however there is no clarity, just more confusion.

So we are left unsure if the Soul King is actually a person or just, part of the make up of the universe, and it just has to exist.  Confused? Yeah me too. Aizen actually calls him a loser though which it seems will be his last words as this happens

Seems like Aizen is sealed, all of this raises a few questions though, like how did Kusuke know the Hokyoku would turn against Aizen? Why did the Hogyoku turn against Aizen? He wasn't that badly injured.

And is this it? If so its really a rather pathetic end to Bleach. In Naruto we are gearing up for all out war between nations, with several players fighting on what we presume would be a major battlefield if the flashbacks to previous ninja wars is anything to go by. In One Piece we got Marine Ford, a great war, and not even the final one. If this is it for Bleach, well then its all a bit anticlimactic. I wanted more, I wanted the squads pitted against Menos Hollows. And if this is it, only one good guy has died in the entire manga and that was Yama!!! There was barely ever any investment in this unlike Naruto with the deaths of the third hokage and Jiraiya for example, or One Piece with Ace.

Anyway an intensely disappointing ending to this arc, and perhaps to Bleach itself

Machete Part 1

A few years ago I saw Grindhouse, comprising of the woeful Death Proof, and the highly enjoyable, icky fun on Planet Terror.

It was shown as an "homage", to 70's exploitation cinema with both films playing back to back with fake trailers in between. No one got this though and it bombed at the box office with each film eventually being given its own release. To be honest you knew there was something wrong with Death Proof when Mickey Rourke walked out on it, this was all pre The Wrestler and his second coming of course.

Now the director of Planet Terror, Robert Rodriguez has made one of those trailers from the original Grindhouse double bill into a full film, mainly thanks to the internet, well done internet!

Here's the original trailer from Grindhouse;



Looks like a good laugh right?

Anyway today I saw it appear on the pirate bay and its currently making its way to my hard drive, after watching it I will of course review, here's hoping it lives up to expectations. And if its good, I'll be crossing my fingers that RR gives us a prequel to Planet Terror all about its enigmatic protagonist El Wray too, anyone who's that cool with a knife deserves a film in my book.

Oh and for those of you interested my out of 10 ratings for the original Grindhouse films were

Planet Terror - 7 out of 10 - good, sleazy exploitation film, I have a soft spot for Zombie films, and while this is no Dawn of the Dead or 28 Days Later, it is still highly enjoyable popcorn fodder

Death Proof - 3 out of 10 - Why Quentin, why? You're slightly redeemed after Inglorious Basterds, even though that was ridiculously baggy and undisciplined, this was just woeful though. Not everyone in the world talks like you, you being that embarrassing Uncle who dances like a pillock at weddings and tells you how cool he used to be 20 years ago and still wears leather jackets. Whatever, never make anything like this again.

Get Him to the Greek

Yesterday, during my daily visit to the pirate bay, I noticed that Get Him to the Greek was being consumed at an alarming rate. Having quite enjoyed Russell Brands last outing as the ostentatious minstrel and lothario Aldous Snow in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, and having a certain fondness of Jonah Hill (who doesn’t like a funny looking fat guy with an afro?) I decided it was worth a torrent.

I quite like Russell Brand, which is quite a statement during these post Sachsgate days it seems. I found him rather passable on television but always enjoyed his column in the sports section in the Weekend edition of the Guardian, and I was quite disappointed when he stopped writing for it. I suppose it was an inevitable sacrifice after he moved to America, thanks a lot Daily Mail. It was quite something to read his leftfield take on football, that’s as far as my literary interest in him goes however, as far as I’m concerned he can stuff Booky Wook up his Jacksy Wacksy, I can’t imagine anything more irritating than reading his undisciplined, wayward prose for a few hundred pages. What I’m trying to say is, that Russell Brand is quite good in small doses, rather like honey, or LSD, but you know what they say, too much of a good thing…

At its core it’s a high concept film. Aldous Snow is a whacky rock star whose career is waning after the disastrous record African Child (described as “the most detrimental thing to happen to Black culture since the Rodney King beatings”), and Jonah Hill has to Get him to the Greek theatre in LA where he had his most successful concert 10 years ago, for his barnstorming comeback. And as you can imagine, with Aldous being who he is, they get into various misadventures, snort various substances and spread various venereal diseases on their way.

Hill and Brand partaking in various high jinks, in this instance, going for a run while on cocaine

On the whole its fairly innocuous fun. Well innocuous to me, you might be a prudish bore, in which case it won’t be your cup of tea. Unlike the standard Apatow fare, this is also a step beyond his usual revenge of the nerds fare that Mark Kermode takes such an exception to, and it is undoubtedly a surrogate son of an Apatow film, a Naples if you like. With the DVD release coming out imminently the opening of the film is fairly timely given it shows Brand kicking cameras and getting press from a high profile relationship with a fellow celebrity. I should also note I was delighted to see Elisabeth Moss, best known as the wonderfully quirky (for once in a good way), Peggy in Mad Men. Mad Men in my mind being the finest show currently on television. In this she played a bit part but it was good to see her nonetheless.

This film will make you laugh which is a plus compared to the majority of comedies we see nowdays, the ripostes between Brand and Hill are perfectly amusing and the parody songs within it are genuinely funny, with a particular highlight being The Clap. Its certainly not Spinal Tap but it has its moments.

There are various high profile cameos in the film, such as P Diddy Daddy Puff Combs, Katy Perry, Pink and even Pharrell, here demonstrating fuchsia is not his colour 

However around the 1 hour 20 minute mark it does grind to a halt, I thought it would peter out over the next 10 minutes but to my dismay, it went on for another 30 minutes. 30 minutes that really needed to hit the cutting room floor, and this is the films undoing. It’s overlong, rambling and a tad ill disciplined, particularly towards the end, things that were fine before such as Jonah Hill vomiting start to rub you the wrong way, you begin squirming, and you wonder if Russell Brand could be anymore of a rock star cliché.

It doesn’t have enough narrative strength to deliver on its running time unfortunately, more of a plot and a bit of reeling in by the editor and this would be a good comedy, however in my mind, its average fare. In the end, we just get too much of this film.

As far as a comedy is concerned I’m always gonna be a tad harsh on it in terms of ratings, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t make me laugh, and taking the lead from Messrs Mayo and Kermode, I thought I should include some sort of laughter tally at the end of my review as well as the general out of 10 rating

Get Him to the Greek Laughter Tally; 6 titters, 7 chuckles, 9 laughs

Overall 6 out of 10, it feels like a kind of 3* film to be honest, its alright, not great